If Mommy is still alive at five, I've really done my job!

Some days as a mom...well, are indescribable. When people who don't have kids ask what it is like to stay home with kids, there is no way to really explain all that I do in a day. Besides, if I told them what some days are like, they may never speak to me again. Much of what you do as a parent is not conversation for mixed-company. With sick kids, at some point a survival instinct kicks in, and you go on auto-pilot, get through the day, and try to erase it from your memory. We have all been sick, with colds and with stomach flus. It's been a house full of bodily fluids in various forms. I don't handle certain fluids well, and it makes my husband crazy.
We got home from T-ball practice on Saturday, and my middle child vomited all over the living room. Mind you, the day before, the same child had stomach problems that also got all over another room of the house (I'll spare those details). I just kind of screamed and ran around in circles. My husband was in another room, came out, looked at him, looked at me, and looked at the door. Lucky for me, he didn't just run out of the door and never come back.

Of course, there are also lots of super great moments, but many of those are also indescribable.

Why am I contemplating all of this? Because it's likely I will go back to work full-time by the end of February. Being a work-out-of-the-home mom is a totally different beast. It's harder, it's more tiring, and more guilt inducing. And, yes, it can be more fulfilling, in many ways. I have been saying that I am ready to go back. I have been feeling itchy to get back to my career.

Now that the opportunity is here, I look at the kids and feel sad. Sad I'm not the kind of mom who can be home and be amazing at it. Sad I'm the kind of mom who needs to have a career to feel whole. I will miss so much of our day, and miss seeing their little faces. You can't have it all. It's something I learned when I graduated from law school and started working. It's a total lie, but you can try your hardest to be happy at work, and happy at home, and focused on where you are when you are there. And I hope that I do better this time around than I did before.